I purchased a range yesterday to replace the 10-year-old oven we currently own, which incidentally, has seen better days. The flames struggle to kick on too often and the temperature is slightly askew, making it quite the adventure to precisely bake a dish.
Cakes are always crispy on the outside and a little raw in the middle. Banana bread is usually burnt on the bottom and I have grown accustomed to cutting off the charred ends before giving the baked good as a gift. I find myself always unnecessarily revealing my oven struggles with the gift receiver.
Yes, it is time to invest in a new range.
So why did I feel a twinge of guilt as my debit card swiped through the register at Home Depot last night?
I hate having to justify my actions to anyone and when I am internally debating with myself about a purchase or any choice in life, I become annoyed. There is nothing more exasperating than arguing with yourself.
As I watched the receipt print out, guilt started to build in the pit of my stomach…
“But, we need an oven,” I told myself. “The other one is old.”
You can manage for a while. There are more important things you could do with that money.“We will use it, though! We almost never eat out and if I have a decent oven…”
(The doubtful side cuts me off)
Sure, sure. Keep telling yourself that. Shouldn’t you be buying the kids clothes or diapers or food?“Oh, shut up,” I say to myself. “Sometimes you have to replace the things in your life and like it or not, they cost money. We have money to invest in a new appliance and I am not buying a $20,000 Viking range for goodness sake! I am buying a $1200 LG double oven (with a blue interior!), which by the way, is on sale!”
Silence.
I forget to give myself permission a lot. I mull over silly decisions, debating, listing pros and cons, and quite honestly, wasting valuable time.
I believe I should listen to that tiny voice in my head and she is usually spot on when it comes to uneasy situations. But every now and then, that inner voice is wrong.
I must get passed this unnecessary guilt. Year after year I get better at saying “yes” to the little things like: going to library by myself, or getting coffee alone or buying new clothes. Guilt is wasted energy and honestly, I need all the extra energy I can get my hands on!
Do you struggle with guilt? How do you work through it?
I have always struggled with guilt. I grew up always on a budget, cutting back, cutting back, cutting back. Because of my expensive hobby as a youngster, my parents never stopped reminding me “because of YOUR horses…” so I began feeling guilty of what I took from my parents. “We can’t go on vacation because you have a horse show”, etc.
Moving into married life was like a breath of fresh air, because everything was a clean slate. There were no horses. There was no cutting back. We are together and we follow a budget, and in that budget we allow splurging. We’re blessed to be able to do it, and weekend getaways are our favorite thing. With the new house, I find myself constantly “But the house…but the money… but..but..but…” and thankfully my husband is here to remind me, it is all in the budget. This money is for fun and that money is for house. The guilt is slowly subsiding :)
I love your mindset, Jess. A clean slate and permission to splurge! I have been working on changing old habits and mindsets for the past 5 years and slowly, but surely, my guilt is subsiding too! :) -elizabeth
Honestly, Elizabeth, the two voices in your head are your “inner critic” and your “true” voice – the one that comes from your gut. The inner critic just tries to keep you from evolving, not because of love, but because of protection. Any change can be scary.
Keep listening to your heart – the tinier voice that reminds you that you deserve to take care of yourself and to treat yourself with respect and love – and yes, a new stove and maybe a new pair of shoes ;-)
YES, Debra. Psych 101 is coming back to me now! ;) I just do not want to be scared anymore. Cautious at times, yes, but I want to be bold in my everyday and confident in my decisions. I have already been hunting online for a new pair of shoes… -elizabeth