I am not an expert. I wanted you to know that first and foremost. I am simply a woman who is facing her first holiday season without her mother. If you are looking for a cure or the 7 steps to navigating grief, I’m sorry this one is not for you. If you are looking for someone who feels what you feel in hopes of healing that comes from a friend in the trenches- YOU, my friend, are in the right place.
My mother died on December 29, 2010. We had celebrated Christmas eleven days earlier-as is tradition for my family as we all travel to be together and then return to our respective homes to wake up for Santa with the children.
Mom attended our Christmas gathering although that was a tough one. She had suffered a stroke and had an Alzheimer’s diagnosis five years previous, but she was there. We shared a bite to eat. I sat with her in the comfort of my sister’s home. We spent some time in silence and some time sharing a photo and a moment of talk of Christmas.
Somehow, I knew that would be our last Christmas together- although I didn’t want to believe it. I pushed that thought from my mind.
The day came and went and my boys and I returned home to celebrate the coming of Santa Claus. On the 28th I got a phone call from my dad. He said he thought I should come back. When Mom woke on the morning of the 28th, “she just wasn’t herself- something has changed.”
This was it. I laid out my clothes for “a funeral.” Not, my mother’s just “a” funeral.
I did NOT pack them.
I only laid them out for my husband to grab when he had to come behind me. I made arrangements for my children and got in the car. I don’t really recall the two hour drive. I only remember arriving; steeling my nerves before opening my car door and then walking into the facility that had been “home” for my mother for the past three years.
When I arrived, my dad, sister, and one brother were already at Mom’s beside. They had been there since the early morning. My two other brothers and their wives would arrive around midnight as they were driving further distances. No flights accessible, due to the weather.
Much of the next twelve hours I will keep as private time among our family. Suffice to say my brothers arrived safely around midnight and two am. My sister and I spent the night in Mom’s room. She passed about five in the morning on December 29th with the two of us on either side of her whispering words of love, giving comfort, and understanding that she had to go.
Fast forward to this season:
We have spent our first Thanksgiving without Mom. I totally broke with all tradition and took my family to New York City to see the Macy’s parade. There were several things playing into this decision, not the least of which was a desire to be connected with Mom. How in the world? You ask. Well, my mom and dad were once in New York for Thanksgiving and did the parade. I remember it as something my mom spoke of fondly; a real enjoyment.
That memory of her enjoyment made me want to do it. So, we did.
It was a good time with my boys, but at times I felt my heart sad- grief. Grief is a strange thing. It will sneak up on you like a shadow. It acts just like regular shadows which show up most profoundly when the light around you is the brightest. Don’t be alarmed, my friend. That is just how it happens.
The key I have found in the last year is to NOT let it totally envelop you. Take time to step out of the brightest light. Retreat to a darker spot temporarily. Allow tears to flow. Cleanse your soul and then, step forward again. Look around to the folks who love you- including your pets. Sometimes I love just sitting with my old mutt, JR. He “gets” me.
From one heart to another, here is what I can share. You have to let the emotions be what they are, but you also must live. As I stated up front, I am not an expert. I am a heart making it through a first holiday season without her momma. Here’s what I plan to do from this day through New Year’s Eve.
Maybe, if you are faced with the same situation some of this will help. Maybe you have a better idea- please leave a comment below and share it with all of us. I know we are not alone. And that, my friends, is a HUGE part of what helps me keep going- knowing I am not alone.
Here are my thoughts going forward through this holiday season. I am going to take care of myself. This is huge when I anticipate that a struggle is on the way. Grief gives me the feelings of confusion and emptiness. Knowing this, I am planning ahead because a plan will empower me. Here’s my plan:
1 - I am watching what I eat- oh, don’t think this is a diet! No way. I mean I am going to watch myself and poise myself to eat foods that will support the best emotional health I can manage. For me, this means avoiding the sweets because while they are comfort foods, they actually make me feel sluggish and more depressed. I know this about myself so they are going to happen in small doses (they will happen-remember this is not a diet). But, I will comfort myself with foods that actually make me FEEL good- for example, fresh squeezed orange juice.
*I hate making it, but I love drinking it!- so, I’m mentally gearing up for the squeeze. I’m going to put on some great Christmas music and get my juicer going. Making it an event will change the activity from drudge to something “special” for me.
2 - I am going to ride. My regular readers know I LOVE to ride my bike. Part of my plan is to take short rides several times a week. Notice, I am not committing myself to some long ride or 7 days a week- that will only set me up for guilt when it doesn’t happen. I am NOT into guilt. This is about taking care of me- not making me feel worse! I will take about three short rides each week. That’s the plan. Then, everything over that will make me feel even better- like I’ve done extra! (If you are navigating the boat of grief with me, I encourage you to embrace the feeling of completion. Completion is the antithesis of confusion. It provides a physical feeling that impacts the emotions in the most positive way.- and can be accomplished in lots of ways, not just bike riding)
3 - I am going to plan for time to myself. For example, I am going to tell my husband several days in advance of Christmas that when we are at his family gathering, I may take a walk around the block midday. That way, when I need time to think of Mom I’ll have it without a bunch of questions. Nothing is worse for me than when my husband asks a ton of questions about how I’m feeling. He means well, he is trying to be loving and supportive, but sometimes I just need to be able to exit without talking about it. So anticipating ahead of time and sharing that with him will allow me to take time easily.
*Note here: I’m not pretending the holidays are going to be easy. I KNOW I will need some private time. I’m planning for it. Pretending it won’t happen would be counter-intuitive. Be real with yourself!
4 - I am planning to put out the decorations. Yes, I am. I have an eleven year old who of course will push for Christmas to be the same as always- but that’s not my sole motivation. I think even if it weren’t for him, I would still decorate. It will be more difficult I know, but when I think of my momma, I think she would want me to continue living. In fact I think she’d be mad if I lay down this holiday season and said, “Oh to h*!! with it.” Ha! Even that phrase makes me smile. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard her say that in a variety of situations- most usually with great sarcasm. Remember, the shadow of grief comes, but we do not have to be engulfed in it. I’m counting on a few twinkling lights within a dimly lit room to shoo the shadow of grief away for small bits of time over the course of the season.
That’s it; my four step plan to deal with this first season without my momma. I’m not claiming it’s perfect, but I think it will help me. Perhaps it will give you some ideas on how to navigate this season. I surely hope so.
One thing I know is that having folks around who can simply say, “I know” is one of the best comforts. While I hate that my husband totally “gets it” because he lost his father- it is indeed a tremendous comfort when sometimes I say, “I’m sad about Momma” and he gives me the look that says without speaking, “I know honey.”
Let’s be here for each other. Please share your thoughts in the comments section below. Together we’ll make it.
May the holidays be a time of taking care of yourself that surprises you with some joy here and there throughout.
Peace be with you,
(Sad Angel by Akseez (via Flickr))
What a wonderful and honest piece. I am very sorry for the loss of your mother and your thoughts about just being here for each other is a wonderful way to live day to day. I like your 4 step plan! I hope you and your family have a wonderful Christmas just loving each other!
Thanks, Elizabeth. I felt so much better being able to write out my feelings and plan- hey, maybe that should be step 5 for everyone- Write it out!
Have a great holiday,
Wynn
Hey there Wynn. Step 5 is a winner too!
Wynn- What a beautiful tribute to your mother. I know you miss her very much. My mom got sick one Thanksgiving and passed away two weeks later. We really didn’t want to celebrate Christmas but Kelly’s little boy was just 7 years old. Hard to believe he is now 26.
I’m sure your mom would want you to have a wonderful Christmas.
Will be thinking of you.
Gail
Gail,
Thank you so much for your kind words. Long ago, and yet you remember.
Wyn
Dear Wynn,
Bless you and your grief journey over losing your momma last year, and how wonderful you’re
honoring her memory while you care for yourself. Your essay is rich and moving, and
I’m sure this will be helpful to others who find themselves in a similar place.
Many blessings,
Joy
Wynn,
I feel your pain. This will be the first Christmas without my dad. He died in August. My mother has Alzheimers & is in a home for her 2nd Christmas. It is like both my parents are gone. My brother has been diagnosed with cancer. He has a good prognosis. Life must go on. Prayers and hugs!! This article was a blessing.
Harriet,
I had no idea. My sympathy on loosing your father and hugs because I know your place right now with your mom. May each day bring a small treasure for you and may you be able to see each one as it is revealed.
HUGS on top of HUGS,
Wynn
Hi dear…we are in the same boat. My mom died Jan 8 of this year. She really held on for Christmas and was a trooper despite lots of pain. It will be very strange this year as she was very much in charge of the celebration. But it will be what it is….and my plan is to go just let the feelings come (and go) and remember all the laughter-filled holidays we had together for 52 years. She is no longer suffering and that brings me some measure of peace.
Anna,
Thank you for sharing. I so agree that you have to let the feelings come and go. Fighting the feelings never works.
I am sorry to hear of your mom’s passing and of the suffering that she endured. I hope that reflections of the laughter-filled holidays will inundate your holiday season.
hugs,
Wynn
Wynn,
This blog was so timely. I’m still moving through the grieving process. My mother past away on June 4, 2011. She died suddenly without warning on her dad’s birthday. I lost my father previously in March of 2002. My mom’s birthday is December 26. I appreciate your story so much. I wish you love during this time and I pray wisdom comes to you in abundance. In sharing you have truly gifted all of us who are maneuvering this time without one or both parents. Bless you… Thank you… I wish you all the love that life has to offer.
Ramona,
I am sorry for your loss. Sharing was therapeutic and I am thankful to see that it has indeed helped others.
blessings & hugs,
Wynn
Sending you lots of hugs this holiday season Wynn. I bet your Mom would be proud of you, especially the woman whom you’ve become in the last year. And although she’s not here to see you, she’s watching and saying ‘that’s my baby girl.”
Hugs to you and your entire extending family!
Blaze
Blaze,
Thank you. You always seem to have and share an insight that is so poignant. And here again. Thanks
Wynn, this was beautiful, thank you. Our family has been through much loss over the past year and especially in recent months. All we can really do is honor those feelings, celebrate the ways that we grow closer because of them, and cherish our memories of the past and simple joys in the present, AND future joys to look forward to. I am especially glad that you talk about planning ahead to have alone time to release any grief that may be trying to move through us…that we’d probably push back down if we were around too many people. Many hugs to you and your family, great meaningful piece you’ve written here.
Thank you for sharing this wise, personal slice of your life and grief. My Mom passed away July 28, 2011. And though we are so grateful for the moments of goodbye and love as she began her journey Home, we are so saddened as well. If I could add one thing to your wonderful list, it would be to look for moments of beauty, joy, and love everyday. I keep track in my journal. It has helped tremendously.
Deb,
I am pleased to have you add your idea to the list. That is perhaps something for me to embrace in the coming year- to look for those moments and keep them in my journal. Treasures for reflection comes to mind.
Thanks!
Wynn,
This was such a beautiful tribute to your mother while helping others too. Your mother’s passing was the catalyst for this to happen and so her life becomes this beautiful ripple effect through you, Wynn.
For months after my mom died, I would see her vividly in my dreams. Most of the time I felt her reassuring me. I believe that a mom’s spirit stays with us and touches us in every sunset, in a sweet bird’s call, in a warm breeze…
heck, think she’s with me now, smiling, as i write this.
I’ll be holding you in my heart this holiday.
take care
Megan
:) smiling, beautiful
Wynn….A beautiful, beautiful tribute to your Mom. My heart goes out to you and your family. I so admire your strength in sharing your grief and don’t doubt that your suggestions in your plan with help so many people walking your same journey. Kudos to you, My Friend ! May your holidays be filled with the kindness from strangers, warmth of peace, and the love and gratitude of family and friends. Wishing you much comfort today and always.
Thank you Mary. What a beautiful blessing you have given here.
I think there is always an element of sadness to these holidays – at least there is for me. The older we get, the more people who are no longer with us, the more empty places at the table. The first year is always the hardest, but there is forever a hole in every celebration that casts a shadow of sadness.
How smart you are to think about ways to mitigate this grief and plans to implement them.
I’m holding you in my heart this holiday…
Thank you Becca for holding me in your heart. The warmth of the community is the biggest blessing in sharing.